Read this (LOL)

[VTOLfreak]

Some old jokes I found in a text file in one of my old and lost-since-1996 disks .
<hr>
This year's "Arrogance in Marketting" Award...

.. goes to Microsoft. On pg. 5 of the DOS 6 manual:

"Upgrading from OS/2 to MS-DOS 6"
<hr>
"I STILL REMENBER MY FATHER'S LAST WORDS",.......
"DON'T , SON , THAT GUN IS LOADED !"
<hr>
What's the job title for Serbian military men?
Ethnic Sanitary Engineer.
-
What do you call a Bosnian woman who has been raped ten times?
Lucky.
-
Why did the Georgian grow a mustache?
He wanted to look like his mother,
-
What is the first thing a Georgian and his wife fight about in the morning?
Who will shave first.
-
Why aren't there any Georgian paratroopers?
It's forbidden to throw garbage out of a plane.
-
Why do the birds in Georgia fly around in circles?
They use one wing to cover their noses.
-
Two guys were sitting on a bench, the first guy looks at the second and says
" If you went camping overnight with someone and you woke up the next morning
with vasoline all over you buns and a sore *******, would you tell any one?"
The second thinks for a minute and replies " No, no I probably would'nt!" the
first guy, with a grin from ear to ear asks "Wanna go camping?"
-
Gorbachev's is longer than Bush's. Madonna doesn't have it. The
Pope has it but doesn't use much. What is it?
A surname.
-
How did god make puertoricans ?
He sandblasted ******s.
-
What do you get if you cross a Jew with a gypsy ?
A chain of empty stores.
-
Why do Iraquians smell so bad ?
So blind people can hate them as well.
-
Why wasn't jesus born in the U.S.A ?
Because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
-
Why do Italians wear hats ?
To know which end to wipe.
-
Why did god give the ******s rythm ?
Compensation because he ****ed up their hair.
-
Whats the definition of a vicious circle ?
A **** with teeth.
<hr>
Autumn is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colors
and fall from the trees.
<hr>
In heaven
---------
The police are British, the cooks are French, the lovers are Italian and it's
all run by the Germans.

In hell
-------
The police are French, the cooks are British, the lovers are German and it's
all run by the Italians.
<hr>
A friend of mine just informed me that you can now send e-mail to President
Clinton using the address president@whitehouse.gov. Of course, I was a little
skeptical, since, after all, does the President *really* have time to read all
those emails? Of course not; but nonetheless, it's real! But I still think
he can't read all those. More likely, he has some staff people reading them
over, and they send him a summary at the end of the day. Here's what a
typical encapsulation of the day's email might look like.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Summary of Electronic Mail for President@WhiteHouse.Gov
June 2, 1993

TopicNumber
-------------------------------------------------
Bosnian conflict: 22,617
Support for Tax Policies: 198
Opposition to Tax Policies: 33,605
Harvard Professors with neato ideas: 288
Same with reasonable ideas: 9
Pro-Iraq: 5
Calls for Impeachment: 16,012
Travel agency ads: 61
Resumes for Cabinet openings: 4,125
Personal from Hollywood celebrities: 616
Barber called back to change appt: 1
Calls from Ross Perot: 33
Senators returning calls on budget: 0
Environmental (fwd to VP): 58,932
Foreign policy (fwd to VP): 23,811
Economy (fwd to VP): 3,096
Deficit (excl Perot, fwd to VP): 17
Health care (fwd to rodham@whitehouse): 1,456
Abortion (fwd to /dev/null): 99,361
Jokers sending harassing message after
learning of email account: 482,697
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

President@WhiteHouse.Gov is actually a valid addres ...
<hr>
A doctors office receives a call from a man who says he needs to speak to the
doctor. The man then says:

"Doctor, I have a problem with my sexual functionality."
"What is the nature of your problem?" asks the doctor.
"It's very difficult to describe" says the man "perhaps we could come to your
office and perform while you observe."

The doctor thought that this was a bit out of the ordinary, but he consented
to see the couple and made an appointment. After the couple performed and got
dressed, the doctor said:

"I can't seem to see anything wrong with what you are doing. I don't have
anything to recommend."

"Perhaps we should come back again" said the man.

Another appointment was made for the next week and the couple left. After
several visits to the doctor, the doctor finally takes the man aside and says,

"Look, I can't really do anything for you and your wife. I can't seem to find
anything wrong. You and your wife will have to consult a sex therapist or
something like that."

"That's not my wife" says the man "she's my girlfriend".
"Your girlfriend" gasped the doctor "why on earth have you been coming to me?"
"Well" replied the man "the Holiday Inn charges $60, you only charge $35 and I
also get $27 back from Blue Cross."
-
So there's this guy, and he weighs about 600 lbs, and he decides that he'd
better lose all this weight for health purposes, self esteem, etc.. SO he
goes on this incredible diet which lets him lose about 400 lbs of weight
so that he's down to a mere 200 or so. The only problem with this is that
now he has all this loose skin bunched up everywhere, so he calls his doctor
on the phone and says "Oh my god..what the *&%$ am i gonna do with all this
skin!?"

And the doctor says "Well...come on down to the office and I'll have a look
at you."

And the guy says "Umm...doc...I dont think theres any way I want to be
seen in public with all this skin hanging offa me like dis"

The the doc says "Ok..I've got it..why dont you gather up all your skin
and pull it all up and tuck it up under your hat or something."

The guy agrees to this li'l scheme and pulls all his skin up..like a
face lift only it's a body-skin lift..and he tucks all the excess skin
under his hat, and goes to the doctors office.

He gets to the doctors office and the receptionist looks at him and
yells "OH MY GOD WHATS THAT HOLE IN YOUR FOREHEAD!?!?"

And the guy says "Thats my BELLY-BUTTON!!.....
.....Howdya like my NECK-TIE!?!?!"
<hr>
What kind of fun does a monk have?
Nun.
<hr>
A man goes to his doctor for a physical. A week later, the doctor
calls him with the results. "I've got some bad news and some very bad
news. First, the bad news. You have an incurable disease, and I estimate
you have 24 hours to live."

The patient replies, "My God, that's terrible! What could possibly
be worse?"

The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday!"
-
This IBM service rep, hardware engineer, and software
engineer were driving down the road one day and they had a flat. The
service rep wanted to replace the car, the hardware engineer thought
they could work around it, and the software engineer said 'maybe if
we ignore it, it'll go away'.
<hr>
Teddy Roosevelt was about to speak at a Democratic convention. As he began, a
heckler started shouting "I'm a Republican!". Well, T.R. ignores this fellow
for a while, but finally, he gets to be too much to take.

T.R.: "Pray tell, sir, what are your reasons for being a Republican?"

HECKLER: "Well, my daddy was a Republican, and so was his daddy."

T.R.: (Feeling very pleased that this jerk had given him such an opening)
Well then sir, suppose your father and your father's father had been
jackasses. What then would you be?"

HECKLER: "A Democrat."
<hr>
A priest, beset by doubt, appealed to God:
"Oh Lord, what is the Meaning of Life?"

For a brief moment, creation was silent.
Then a terrible voice thundered from above:
"READ THE F***ING FAQ!!"
-
A prostitute receives a well-built customer. She looks on apprehensively
as the man undresses and starts putting on a condom. And another. And
another. And another. And another. And another. And another.
He empties the box by stuffing the last condoms up his nostrils and in his
ears.
The prostitute says: 'I can imagine someone putting on that many condoms,
but why the two in your nose and your ears?'

The man replies:

'There are two things I can't stand: the smell of burning rubber and
the sound of a screaming women.'
<hr>
The naked lady gets out of the bed in which the mailman lays.
She takes a dollar out of her purse and gives it to him.

He says, "What's this for lady?"

She says, "Well, I asked my husband what we should give the mailman for
Christmas and he said, "Screw the mailman, give him a dollar"!
<hr>
The Differences Between Intel Chips
By Dave Smith

For those who are confused by the various processor offering by Intel,
here's a quick guide to clear you up.

8086: A spacious closet. Has four walls and plenty of shelf space.
It's a lot better than keeping your stuff in stacked cardboard
boxes like you had to with the 8080

8088: A spacious clost like the 8086, but lacks the mirrored doors
and instead uses a narrower door made of standard plywood.
Not as pretty, but a less expensive.

80186: Still a closet with the mirrored doors, but now includes a
new railing to hang your clothes and this one is bolted on,
not that wooden thing that always falls when you bump it off.
Also the doors run on a better track. Not the greatest, but
the builder was a little slow.

80286: A closet as with the 8086, but includes a small trap door
on the ceiling that you can climb up with great effort to
reach a larger attic to store stuff in. The door is sufficiently
small that you can only shove small things in or out of it.

80386: A 1930s victorian house somewhat rundown, but acceptable.
Has a closet, but also has a large garage. You can be
in the garage or the closet, but you can't have a closet
or a workbench in the garage. An option in building allows
you to build out the house into several small closet size
apartments. Each occupant of an apartment is unaware they
have any neighbors. (Unless they give a note to you to post
on the board in front hall for other neighbors to see.)

80386SX: Another 1930s house, but this one doesn't have the double
doors in the entry.

80486: A small condo with closets.

80486SX: The same condo, but with strong owners association. You can buy
the condo for less money, but you can't get the keys unless you
buy them from owners association for a large fee.
-
A business man calls home from work to speak with his wife and the
maid answers the phone. "I'm sorry sir," she says,
"she is busy right now."
The man, a little upset at the maid's refusal to put his wife on the
phone demands to speak with his wife RIGHT NOW.
"But sir, she is in the bedroom with a man." says the maid.
Becoming quite furious and shocked that his wife is sleeping with
another man, he instructs the maid to take his gun and shoot them
both. "I could never shoot anyone," says the maid.
The man offers the maid $200000 to shoot them both and the maid
agrees. She sets down the phone and not long after two gun shots
ring out and the maid returns to the phone crying.
"I did it, sir. I shot them both."
The man instructs the maid to take the bodies and put them in the
empty pool and cover them until he gets home to get rid of the bodies.
"But, sir, we don't have a pool!"
The man says, "Isn't this 482-3174?"
-
The Pope, after a long and fruitful rein, passes on and goes to Heaven.
While standing in line to go through the Pearly Gates, he meets another
man. After a short conversation the man tells the Pope that he was a
lawyer in his former life.
As they talk, St. Peter drives up in a golf cart.
"Hope in," he says to the Pope and lawyer. "And I'll drive you to your
new homes."
After a short journey through rolling hills and lush green grass, St.
Peter pulls up to a magnificant mansion next to a lake, water falls and
golf course. It made the Vatican seem like an outhouse.
St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says,"Here you are, sir. This will be
your new home for all eternity."
The Pope becomes flushed with excitment...If a lowly lawyer gets THIS,
the Pope says to himself, I can't wait to see what I will get.
After driving for about an hour in the golf cart, the Pope begins to
notice that the scenery has changed from paradise to inner city slums.
St. Peter stops the golf cart in front of a Hole-in-the-wall bar, leads
the Pope upstairs and shows him his room - a 6 by 8 dark, dank hovel.
"This is it?" the Pope screams at St. Peter. "Jesus Christ, I served
the lord all my life...I get this while that lawyer gets a mansion?"
"Well," said St. Peter. "We get a lot of Pope's up here, but he was our
first lawyer!"
<hr>
Q. How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet?

A. They were both dating the same girl in high school.
<hr>
We all know the old saying...

I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women,
French to men, and German to my horse.
- Charles V of France

It's time it was updated for modern times...

...and Japanese to my boss.
<hr>
Clone:
One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning to
wish it had built.
-
Hardware: The part you kick.
Software: The reason you kick it.
-
Support: The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have returned
a registration card.
-
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from
the poor to protect them from each other.
-
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing
is -- I could be just as proud for half the money. -- Arthur Godfrey
-
Two guys are at a rodeo...and notice the number of riders that are
getting thrown off by a certain horse called "lucky strike"
Later it comes over the tannoy that there is a major prize for
anyone with the ability to ride the horse for more than 60 seconds.
One of the guys decides to have a go. They release him from the
pen upon the horse a short while later and he manages to remain on the
horse untill it collapses from exhaustion.
Upon returning to his friend with the prize. His friend exclaims
"how the hell did you manage that?"
To which his reply is, "My wife is an eppilectic.."
-
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.

The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.
-
An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his stay nears an
end, he is sitting around with three of his new-found French friends, just
generally shooting the breeze. The subject turns to language, and the
American says, "Guys, I do have one question left. I keep hearing this
expression, "sang froid". What does it mean? I know that it literally
means, "cold blood", but what does it *mean*?"

The first Frenchman replies, "Ah, zat is easy. Say that a man walks into
his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend. If he can
turn around and walk out without them knowing he was evair zere, *zat* is
sang froid!"

The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong! If, in zis
circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand zere, and say "Please don't
mind me; continue", zen *zat* is sang froid!"

"Non, non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman bursts een on his
wife and his best friend, stands there saying, "Please continue", and his
friend *can* continue, *zat* is sang froid!".
-
An American, a Frenchman, and a Polack are lined up in front of a firing
squad awaiting execution. The American is first. He points behind the
firing squad and shouts, "FLOOD!". When the soldiers turns to look, he
escapes. The Frenchman quickly devises his plan and shouts, "TORNADO!!".
He escapes as well. The Polack, thinking he has caught on yells, "FIRE!!"
<hr>
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What kind of answer did you have in mind?
-
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on
your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's
so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a
boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at
Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
-
NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
Don't be silly, protect your Willie.
Before you blast her, protect your bushmaster.
Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
Before you bag her, sheath your dagger,
It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
If you slip between her thighs be sure to condomize.
She won't get sick if you cap your dick.
If you go into heat, package that meat.
Befo' da van start rockin', be sho' yo' **** got a stockin'.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
A crank with armor will never harm her.
-
Two Texans are standing on a bridge bragging about their manliness,
when they decide to **** into the river below. After commencing,
they continue bragging:

Texan 1: "The water's cold."

Texan 2: "Yeah. Deep too."
-
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk
takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see
my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the
scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see
a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he
hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this
scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and
shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look through the scope,
and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
<hr>
A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the
water lapped around his feet, a motor boat suddenly approached the island.

"Come on, man, get in!" said the boatman.

"No," said the guy on the island, "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!"

The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's
chest, another boat appeared.

"Get in the boat, or you're going to drown!" said the boatman. Again, the guy
said, "No, I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!"

The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's
chin, a third boat appeared.

"Get in, this is your last chance!"

"No, Jesus will save me!"

So the boat went off, the water continued to rise and the guy drowned. He went
up to heaven and was greeted by Jesus.

"Hey, Jesus," he said, "I trusted in you all my life and you let me drown!
I don't believe it!"

"YOU don't believe it?" Jesus said, "I sent three ****ing boats to save you!!"
<hr>
A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor
had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a
little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but
I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair
in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."
-
Mickey Mouse was trying to convince a judge to give him a divorce from
Minnie Mouse:

Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but you claiming Minnie is crazy is not a valid
reason for me to grant a divorce."

Mickey: "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was ****ing Goofy!"
-
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding
his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check
her bedroom.

He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come
home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily
into the act of lovemaking.

Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was
wrong.

Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on
and have a horsie ride?"

"Of course, Son, we're a family."

So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning
and writhing wildly.

"Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually
fall off!"
<hr>
HOW DO YOU HUNT ELEPHANTS?


COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by excercising Algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly
language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and
knees.

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus
15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are
paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the 1st animal they see N times & call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at
all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat
size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies,
if someone else will only identify the elephants.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing
about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own
an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS of engineering, research, and development try hard to
hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the
vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure
that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice
president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted
elephant, the staff will:
(1) compliment the vice president's keen
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption
that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes
the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALESPEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them
gray, and sell them as DESKTOP ELEPHANTS.

[VTOLfreak]

Maximum massahe lenght s 25000 caracters I had to post in 2 parts .
<hr>
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
(1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in
the wet spot.
(2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
(3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is married, (b) is on
penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves your brother!
(4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
(5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
(6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
(7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
(8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
(9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
<hr>
A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the wilds which
they were certain was the Missing Link. The proof of their theory, though,
required that a human mate with the ape in order to see what
characteristics the progeny would take on. So they put an ad in the paper.
`$5000 to Mate with Ape.'
The next morning a Pole called up in response to the ad and said
he'd be willing to be part of the experiment. `But,' he said, `I have
three conditions.'
The scientists agreed to hear him out.
`First - My wife must never know.'
Second - The children must be raised as Catholics.'
`Third - If I can pay in installments, I'm definitely interested.'
-
A blind man and his friend were walking along with the blind man's dog,
when the dog simply raised its leg and ****ed on the blind man's shoe. To
his friends astonishment, the man reached over and proceeded to stroke the
dog's back.
`What the hell are you patting him for?' exclaimed his friend.
`The dog just ****ed on you!'
`I gotta find out where his head is,' said the blind man testily,
`so I can kick his ***.'
-
To be written on a WC wall:
"Now I sit here brokenhearted, I came to **** but I only farted."
-
Q: What's stiff and excites women?
A: Elvis Presley.
-
Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
-
Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
-
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
I'll be sixty-four.
-
What's the difference between IBM and Jurassic Park?
One is a fantasy theme park populated with dinosaurs, and the other is a
movie.
-
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.