No matter what I do I cannot stop LW5 from loading whenever it wants to. What the heck? I've lowered my bandwidth to UL and DWL. I've removed it from my startup programs. Still heeeeeeeere's LW5

Is LW opening just once, after you start up your computer? Or is it continually popping up & refusing to stay closed?

If LW opens just once at system startup.
If you're using LW 4... tools > options > advanced > system startup. Untick 'run on system startup' > Apply > ok.

If you're using LW 5... tools > options > advanced > system. Untick 'Run LW on System Startup' > ok.

If LW's continually popping up by itself, your computer might be infected. Click on this link for more help: Bloody Thing (error message pops up after LW removed)

It pops up once everytime I restart or awake from sleep mode. All boxes you described are unchecked. Yet it still does it. My AV is up to date also.

Go into your LW options & this time, tick the box to run on system startup. Make sure to click ok or apply > ok (depending which version of LW you have). Close LW. Restart LW & go back into options & untick that box again > ok. Or apply > ok.
Sometimes, turning an option on & off can make it work properly.

If things are still stuffed then delete LW's preferences folder when LW's properly closed. See point 3 here & also point 2 if you've used older versions of LW in the past (there could be a folder in either location).
LimeWire Pref Folder in Vista
This will change all of your settings within options, you'll have to go back through afterwards & reset things. If you're not sure of your settings, go through LW's tools > options & write them all down, so that you can reset things later.