Greetings, and good afternoon.



I'm an eighteen year old who recently committed a horrible atrocity.

A few evenings ago I curiously and impulsively "downloaded" a couple files of illegal pornography. I placed the verb inside quotations because:

I never finished the downloads

Why? I realized I was idiotic for even contemplating such absurdities.

Now, before you judge me...as I hope none of such will be done.

First, it was impulsive, reckless, self-destructive behavior. It was a "spur of the moment holy ****" "Why the hell did I do that" moment.

Secondly, there was absolutely no malicious intent. Why would I care about such material, anyway? It is disgusting after all. More so, I had no intention of exploiting, providing or in any manner even needing said child pornography. I do not have Limewire configured to allow uploads. Midway through the downloads I quit the downloads. I then used Spybot's shredder tool to "destroy" the files. I have also defragged my laptop five times now.

I'm beyond paranoid...more so though, I'm completely devastated by guilt and shame. I had no cruel intentions, but the mere fact that I did it without even viewing the files, is disturbing. I am not some psychologically disturbed, disgruntled or perverse human - I was curious...but curiosity was a tragedy.

I don't know what to expect. I have no idea if I was traced and I'm being investigated. I cleaned the files and it's not like I ever intend to do anything malicious again. I further deleted all the pornographic material I did possess, to "clean myself"

Does anyone know:
What are the odds that a mishap like this could have been traced?

Further, how long would it take for police to show up at my doorstep?


Please, I'm scared. I'm just a college student who has dreams and hopes in life. The guilt is tearing me apart as it is. I'm paranoid beyond belief. Every time a car drives down my street I gaze out the window in hopes it's not a police officer coming to arrest me.

This would ruin my life...everything I have and am would be obliterated because of a careless, stupid and reckless mistake

My great reputation with community members, my education, my personal life, my time...would all vaporize before my eyes.

And I have a deathly fear of incarceration and prison.

If the police were to come to my house...would there be any hope of apologizing, talking about it with them and trying to make them understand that I am human and I have made this mistake?

Also, there is a police officer in the town I live in, whose family and he are good friends with cousins of mine who live in my town. The officer's son is best friend's with one of my cousins, actually. I'm on decent terms with the officer and his wife - (his wife has employment at the high school I attended, so I'd speak with her a lot). Should I maybe talk to them and confess and cry hysterically and hope things work out...

I'm paranoid because of a dumb action...I don't want this to ruin my life.